23 Feb 2026 3 min read

But First, a Word from Our Sponsors

The owl represents justice. Or a free consultation. It's better not to know.

Like many of you, I got up way too early on Sunday to watch the USA-Canada hockey game. Like fewer of you (excepting my desert southwest subscribers, what up R.J.), I witnessed some miraculous local Arizona television commercials in between Connor Hellebuyck saves. Readers, I assure you this is real and not a 30 Rock bit:

Midwest Excellence staff policy is that we are against sexual harassment in the workplace and for more commercials that involve flaming arrows. The attorneys at Jungle Law meet both those specs.

"Surely this must be an outlier," you suggest. WRONG!

Tristen, the human star of the above video, has the kind of profile photo I wish my attorney friends would strive for:

He went to law school in Miami, but you probably guessed this.

I have one more video from them to share, but I'm putting it at the bottom to encourage everyone to read to the end.

Mandy's job sends her to the Phoenix area a few times every year, and she's constantly telling me I wouldn't believe the sheer tonnage of ads and billboards for legal services like the above. Is it due to an aging population, sex pests, failed second marriages, or Arizona's reputation as Florida for people who have some shame, but not a load-bearing amount of it? I refuse to find out! Let's ride.

Jungle Law may be the most in-your-face, but I'd like you to sit down, pull up a chair, and meet the Husband & Wife Law Team (again, this is real, I am not doing an AI to you):

In my mind palace, they're not actually married, but their names are Katy Husband and Todd Wife. Let's just keep it that way.

If you thought I was done, you are incorrect. If it pleases the court, may I introduce Rafi? Wait, my bad. May I introduce Rafi!

Yes, that is the Laffy Taffy song, repurposed for Arizona's top personal injury attorney (that's not my opinion, it says so on his website, probably true).

Also, his billboards make him look less like a lawyer and more like the star of an eponymous ABC TGIF sitcom with three precocious children and a scorching hot wife. They're always arguing, but you know they really love each other.

On an all new Rafi!, Rafi Jr. and his pals learn an important lesson about responsibility.

I'm afraid the Upper Midwest just can't compete. There's the relatively mild media presence of Russell Nicolet, who looks like he owns a food truck and plays in Hudson's second-best Pearl Jam cover band.

Going to need a little bit more pizzazz, Russ. Have you considered archery?

And I haven't even mentioned the ads for survivalist grifters and dubious landscapers. I understand the impulse for reducing one's screen time, but you bookworms oughta move to Chandler before getting all judgy.

Sorcerer of Canada's Destruction

GENERALS GATHERED IN THEIR MASSESSSSSSSS

There are more takes on Sunday's gold medal game than there are stars in the sky, so I'll just note that Jack Hughes is the (tooth-) spitting image of 1971 Ozzy Osbourne.

More Logos!

The influx of "please, please let me buy that from you" notes on Friday's Midwest Excellence logo contender makes it likely that it will be the one that gets you to pay me for this newsletter. But I promised options, and my guy Tanner came through with two more possibilities, one inspired by Sunday morning's victory. Behold:

Comments are open for your feedback.

The Closer

As promised, one more from my friends at Jungle Law:

See you tomorrow.