GUEST OPINION: If You Hogs Would Vote for Me I'd Appreciate It, by Michele Tafoya

NOTE FROM STU: This is satire. It may feel real, but it is not real.

Midwest Excellence has an open door policy for people from all walks of political life to state their case. Minnesota Senate candidate Michele Tafoya is one such person, and I thank her for taking the time to share her views. Over to you, Michele.

Hi, I'm TV's Michele Tafoya. You probably remember me from asking men in short-sleeve polo shirts with receding hairlines how they planned to get after the Jaguars defense in the second half. No, literally, that was my job! I was paid a ridiculous amount of money to do that and only that!

But I walked away from it all. Why? Because I wanted to represent this embarrassment of a state for you hogs. And I'd be grateful for your support.

Like you, I hate Minnesota, and would literally rather be anywhere than here. But the Constitution says someone has to represent you slobs, and I'm frankly overqualified for the position. You'd have to get off your couches to do this job and we both know that's not happening. There might be 2-3 youths outside. Are they gang-bangers running a crooked daycare? Definitely.

As easy as my Sunday Night Football gig was, you would not believe what a cakewalk this Senate thing is. Your staff does all the work, the benefits are generous and lifelong, and most importantly, I'll be working in Washington, DC, away from this fucking shithole and the paid agitators Antifa sends here to help my opponent.

My entire adult life, I've had to pretend to be interested in what one of the Harbaughs has to say about his quarterback's struggles against the blitz. I can bring that experience to our nation's capital, where I'll pretend to give one sideways fuck about you people and your constant whining while I regurgitate whatever Heritage Foundation talking points they hand me. We're going to harness the power of AI to run Social Security, and you're just going to sit there and take it. I truly do not give a shit. I've never had a real job, and I'm not about to start now.

But I can't do this without your help.

I'm asking you today to heave yourself onto your Lark scooters and go to the polls on November 3rd to vote for me. You'll be home in plenty of time for Wheel of Fortune and another sad microwave burrito and raw cookie dough dinner or whatever it is you people do in your lean-tos and shanties.

My name is Michele Tafoya, and I approve this message, because I have to get out of this awful state and you swine are going to help me do it.