Midwest Funeral Foods, Reviewed PART TWO: BACK FROM THE DEAD
I should have known.
The Upper Midwest is a vast and mysterious place. Much like the depths of the Mariana Trench, most of it will remain unknowable, undiscovered, and inhospitable to human life.
But, for those bold enough to explore and/or be born there, their lived experience has taught them one important thing: I forgot critical, load-bearing funeral foods from their hometown.
Two of these instances are straight-up my fault. The post was already lumbering towards 1100 words and I figured practicing some brevity was in order. But so many of you are bored to tears in your cubicle and have already done Wordle. You crave the content. My bad. I omitted one pretty obvious item and didn't split the salad category up.
In the other cases, I was completely oblivious to certain slop-based folkways but was so fascinated that I am compelled to share them.
Part two is below. All images are again from the r/shittyfoodporn Subreddit unless otherwise noted.
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Egregious Omissions
FUNERAL SPREAD: Now, you might think this is ham salad. It is not. I have been told. Over to you, Kara:
What we call "funeral spread" is bologna put through a grinder with relish and mayo served on a bun. 10/10
Another source says this is also called "funeral meat" and I'll be completely honest, I don't think you should call anything that. RATING: My dad's side of the family includes multiple braunschweiger enthusiasts. I can't endorse that kind of perversion, but I understand it. Same goes here.
SALADS (SWEET): I should have created separate categories for savory and sweet. The savory branch is mostly protein-based slurries plus a can of the nearest vegetable. The sweet branch comes from two separate origin points:
- It's 1959, your husband is out of town visiting his secret second family, and you, the icebox, and the pantry are left to your own devices. Ambrosia, Frog Eye, and Cranberry Fluff/Pucker Salad are the fruit of this tree. If you plan to make one yourself, smoke an unfiltered cigarette and/or be geeked on amphetamines while preparing for verisimilitude.
- An enthusiastic 7-year-old made something they called "salad" and it stuck. This is where Snickers Salad and Cookie Salad come from and you'll never tell me different.
RATING: You will bring a repurposed Cool Whip container brimming with one of these home from your great aunt's funeral and enjoy the shit out of it while watching a show about New York cops or Chicago fire fighters. Or vice versa. Or both.
Other Catastrophes
FUNERAL SALAD: Katy has the floor.
Not only do we do funeral potatoes, we also do funeral salad, which is a cold spaghetti salad with diced bell peppers and cracked black pepper and maybe Italian dressing? My mom literally has them labeled thusly on index cards in her recipe book.
RATING: One of my favorite Vietnamese foods is a cold noodle salad with lettuce, carrots, peanuts, a splash of dressing, and diced egg rolls. I would probably mess with this.
NEBRASKA SEAFOOD DELIGHT: This is not the name for this dish. I don't know that it has a name. It's just...here. From Ian, Night Mayor of Minneapolis:
Not at a funeral, no. For the defense, Nebraska native Dr. Katie:
RATING: I am scared of church basement shrimp like conservative white men are scared of major American cities. But the bed of cocktail sauce and cream cheese could build a bridge of acceptance and understanding.
WILD RICE HOTDISH: If there is a fistful of crispy chow mein noodles and a bottle of soy sauce included, my RATING is a Very Good.
MINNESOTA SUSHI/PICKLE ROLL-UPS: For those who don't have cousins in Milaca, this is a thin slice of corned beef or ham, slathered in cream cheese, wrapped around a pickle spear, then portioned out sushi-style. I personally have not seen these at a funeral and associate them with holiday appetizer spreads or grad parties. But apparently some of you have! And that's OK. RATING: If the funeral/holiday gathering/grad party features these, you are less than an hour from a bar called The Sportsman's Club. There is a Grain Belt sign out front and the regulars will grouse at you if you fuck with the pull tab box they've been draining all afternoon.
Leftovers
*Jess B., who gently but firmly corrected my sweet salad exclusion, said that most funeral lunches in her part of the world (Janesville, the city with the haunted window doll) bypass hot food entirely. Anyone else have a similar bill of fare?
*Funeral bread is even more popular amongst our Dakotan brethren (hey Anna G.!) than it is up past Crookston. Can I trade you some for a basket of chislic?
*England has their own way of doing things:
Great Britain has a checkered reputation for food, but I would dominate some sausage rolls if we introduced them to stateside post-ceremony feedbags.
*Mandy is reading aloud from her collection of church cookbooks as I type this and is getting more and more agitated ("Turkey salad? For 50 people? What are you doing, Faye Carlson?"). Also, there are at least a dozen recipes for broccoli salad in the Church of the Immaculate Conception Cookbook from Watertown, MN.
There are STILL comments and replies filling the Midwest Excellence inbox. If a Part Three is necessary, I'll let you all know.
See you tomorrow for Minnesota's 80th-best county!
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