Minnesota Counties, Ranked

There are 87 counties in Minnesota. I’ve lived here my entire life, so I am the only one both qualified and fearless enough to rank them from 1-87. While these rankings are just my opinion, they are correct and not subject to debate. If you disagree, you are wrong and a bad person.

We’ll be counting them down from worst to best for the next 87 Thursdays, give or take holidays. I recommend subscribing.

Number 87: Wilkin County

OVERVIEW: An abomination of a county. There’s nothing there. Why would you even. 

NAMED AFTER: Alexander Wilkin, a Civil War Colonel on the Union side. Died at the Battle of Tupelo. 

LARGEST CITY: Breckenridge. My former editor Jesse Lund grew up there. He moved to England. I would have done that, too.

DOES IT HAVE A PIZZA RANCH: Technically, no. However, Breckenridge is part of the Wahpeton, ND metropolitan area (a cursed series of words), and they have a Pizza Ranch on the other side of the Red River. 

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Went to a wedding in Kent (population: 65). The reception was at a set-up bar. For those who don’t know, a set-up bar is where you bring your own bottle of hooch, and the bar provides ice and a mixer like Coke, OJ, tonic water, etc. I swear I am not making this up. It sounds like I'm making it up! But I'm not.

REDEEMING QUALITIES: Giant prairie chicken statue in Rothsay, which provides the image for this blog/newsletter. Was built for the 1976 American Bicentennial.

You're probably wondering: Why would your contribution to America's 200th birthday be a giant-ass bird statue? And this is where I remind you that in 1976, everyone was on cocaine, going to key parties, and smoking in places you would never dream possible with your modern, cosmopolitan minds. Kindergartens had ashtrays. Do not take this as me saying kindergarteners were smoking. No, they were getting impaled by lawn darts, the leading cause of death for American children that year (do not fact check this, I am lying, it was probably quicksand or stagflation).

CELEBS: Maverick supermodel Cheryl Tiegs was born in Breckenridge. Like Jesse, she moved the entire hell away with a quickness. Here's a picture of her, Dr. J, and (I think?) JFK, Jr. playing tennis in 1978:

LETTER GRADE: F

See you tomorrow.