Minnesota Counties, Ranked: Number 84, Wright County

OVERVIEW: Now just wait a goldang minute, you might be saying.

Up to this point, you've been whacking tiny, far-flung outstate counties like a pinata. No one lives out there. Nice statues, dorks.

But Wright County? That's by my house! Hell, I live there! What's your problem, dude?

Allow me to explain.

Some places have a lot of things going for it. Wright County has quaint little towns, rolling hills, a shitload of lakes and parks, and easy access to the Twin Cities metro area.

Unfortunately, it also is smack dab in the middle of Minnesota's 6th Congressional District, aka The Asshole Belt. They even gerrymandered it to look as evil as possible. Look at this fuckin' thing:

It looks like it's trying to eat Paisley Park.

This is where I introduce The Jagoff Penalty. 25 points are deducted from what would be your final ranking if the committee (me) finds a resident of your county to be a galactic jagoff.

Unfortunately for Wright, they have three such dipshits. It's hard to overcome that no matter how bucolic Howard Lake is.

NAMED AFTER: Silas Wright, former Congressman and Governor of New York. You can tell he is not amused by my tone:

LARGEST CITY: Otsego. Population: 23,241.

DOES IT HAVE A PIZZA RANCH: Yes! Monticello, right off Hwy. 25. Go to Pancho Villa instead, fantastic Mexican food and easy access to the interstate.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Been there a lot! Friends and family live/lived in Albertville, Annandale, Cokato, Otsego, Clearwater, Howard Lake, Buffalo, and Delano.

REDEEMING QUALITIES: The Clearwater Travel Plaza has apple fritters roughly the size of a toilet seat. It should have the reputation that Tobie's in Hinckley has, but instead of being on the way to Duluth it's on the way to Freeport. Tough hop.

In addition, Hanover has the original (and only remaining?) Tom Thumb store.

If it sounds like I like Wright County more than would merit 84th place, you're right. Buffalo has a really nice downtown, too! But get a load of these jagoffs:

JAGOFF PENALTY #1: Rep. Tom Emmer, Delano. Did you know he once hosted hour #3 of KFAN's Vikings Fan Line, the premiere source of therapy for upset and overserved local football fans? It is, to my knowledge, the only useful public service he's ever offered. Fuck that guy.

JAGOFF PENALTY #2: State Rep. Walter Hudson, Albertville. While not as influential and harmful as the above House Majority Whip, Hudson makes up for it by being cataclysmically odious. A goblin. Fuck this guy sideways.

JAGOFF PENALTY #3: State Sen. Eric Lucero, St. Michael. You're not going to believe it, but this guy believes in chemtrails:

He looks like a blackjack dealer at the only casino in Twin Peaks.

CELEBS:

*Joel Pryzbilla: The former Minnesota Gopher and 13-year (!) NBA veteran hails from Monticello. His Monticello Magic jersey was, at least for a time, proudly displayed at the Beef O'Brady's in his hometown. I can think of no greater honor. They're never going to hang my laptop up at the Other Place in Hector.

*Joel McKinnon Miller: A top-shelf That Guy in many movies and television shows. He will always be Detective Norm Scully in Brooklyn Nine-Nine to me. Born in Rockford.

*Hubert Humphrey: As in the Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome. Lived in Waverly from 1958 until his death. History nerds may also remember him as the Democratic nominee for President in 1968. He narrowly lost thanks in part to being unable to disassociate himself with his boss's wildly unpopular foreign policy decisions, opening the door for a staggeringly corrupt and comically evil Republican presidency that made everything worse. Fortunately, Democrats learned from that and it never happened again.

LETTER GRADE: D-. Would be a B+/A- and a Top Ten County if they stopped electing mutants.

READER FEEDBACK

You may recall I chose the Carnegie Library in Browns Valley as the feature image for Traverse County instead of a delightfully cornball statue. Some disagreed.

Reader Dan Kenney:

Not gonna lie...the Mallard statue erasure stings a little.

He was not the only one. Here's your damn statue, located in Wheaton, which my dad still hates:

Erik Bremer checks in to defend tiny Dumont for what should be self-evident reasons:

See you tomorrow.