Minnesota Counties Ranked, Number 80: Lac qui Parle County

OVERVIEW: The Minnesota counties that share a border with South Dakota possess some of that state's, shall we say, peculiarities. Proximity to whatever in the holy screaming fuck is going on with Kristi Noem can't be good for one's physical or mental health.

Lac qui Parle is one of these counties. Not as arid or flat as SoDak, but near enough to make you wonder what side of the border you're on. (As always, look for the giant FIREWORKS WAREHOUSE billboard to orient yourself.) Things just get a little weirder, I guess. It's also the only county in Minnesota where one of my in-laws was a mayor. They're not reading this, it's OK.

NAMED AFTER: "Lac qui Parle" is French for the Dakota phrase "Mde Iyedan," roughly meaning "lake that speaks." It is with much regret for both myself and the local Chambers of Commerce that there isn't a talking lake anywhere in the county, WHICH WOULD BE REALLY COOL.

LARGEST CITY: Madison. Population: 1,518.

DOES IT HAVE A PIZZA RANCH: It does not.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Mandy's uncle was Mayor of Boyd (Population: 141) for a time. Boyd is a farming community perhaps (OK, not perhaps, definitely) best known for having the area's only strip club. Known for a time as Dr. Ruth's (no, really) before settling on Dangerous Curves (AGAIN, no, really), it advertised "hot and sexy girls at (the) cheapest cost." (Link goes to Facebook but is mildly NSFW.)

Hot AND sexy AND cheapest cost? I've met enough rural Minnesotans to know that the only way you can appeal to their interests more is to put the dancers in an FFA jacket when they start their routine. Maybe have the DJ put the soybean futures on the PA instead of "Girls Girls Girls" or "Pour Some Sugar On Me." They might even tip the performers with paper money.

Mandy's uncle had nothing to do with the business opening, but was blamed by some local citizens for letting it happen on his watch. It remains the only viable business that Boyd has produced or will produce in any of our lifetimes, and I think the city should name one of their five or six paved roads after him.

There is some online dispute as to whether Dangerous Curves remains open (Yelp says nay, Google says yay). If anyone wants to go to Boyd and verify this, I'd really appreciate it. Also, please don't do this. I regret asking this.

REDEEMING QUALITIES: Madison is the Lutefisk Capitol of the World. Now, one could dispute that this is a redeeming quality, but for an upsetting number of Scandinavians, food is not to be savored but to be overcome. Lutefisk is their Everest. It's whitefish or cod cured in lye, the same thing you use to unclog your drains. So, to answer your question, yes, it's marinated in poison. The resulting product is a gelatinous lump that tastes worse than it sounds. Best enjoyed while staring into the middle distance and holding distant violence in your heart.

CELEBS:

*Carrie Tollefson: A badass. The Minnesota track legend hails from Dawson, where she was winning state cross-country titles in the 8th grade. She represented the US in the 2004 Summer Olympics and does track and marathon commentary for ESPN, NBC, and others.

*Robert Bly: Minnesota's first poet laureate is from Madison. Yes, I thought the first poet laureate was whoever wrote "Funkytown" but that's why we research these things before publishing. Also, he was the most Poet Laureate-looking-ass guy you could ask for:

WEIRD OUTSTATE STATUARY: Please welcome to your night terrors Lou T. Fisk, an enormous fiberglass cod one can find in Madison. It's alleged to be more edible than the actual prepared dish.

LETTER GRADE: D-

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READER FEEDBACK

Reader Megan is from Grant County, and shares one opinion and one fact. I'll let the reader determine which is which:

Ashby is Minnesota’s #1 best city. Side note- I believe Grant County is the only county in the state of Minnesota without a single stoplight.

Malik Willis superfan Dave noticed the county's surplus of abandoned places:

Grant County has GHOST TOWNS which probably sounds way cooler than they are, however one wikipedia entry caught my eye:

"The town of Hereford had disappeared by the 1940s, with the exception of the cemetery which still REMAINS. (emphasis mine)"

Gotta tip your cap to that one.

Reader TJ on the hideous "coot" statue in Ashby:

I might have to visit all weird outstate statuaries as a companion piece.

This crossed my mind as well. You could be like the One Minute Tours guy and then pack up and move to Australia with a bundle of Kickstarter cash.

See you tomorrow for Free Friday! Yes, Tuesday and Wednesday were already free! I'm bad at money!