Minnesota Counties, Ranked: Number 51, Pennington County

OVERVIEW: I miss Phil Hartman.

The actor/comedian/artist is, in my personal rankings that will be revealed only on the Day of Judgment, a Top Five Saturday Night Live cast member. Could credibly impersonate anybody (he did both Reagan and Clinton!), was an unparalleled straight man, and would get weird if needed. There is exactly one person who could make a bit like Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer work, and he happened to be working at Studio 8H at the time.

Prior to SNL, Hartman created album art for acts like Poco and America. If you have America's History because you correctly love "Sister Golden Hair," Phil Hartman drew this:

Because he was an actual genius, Hartman also co-created Pee-Wee Herman with Paul Reubens and played Captain Carl on Pee Wee's Playhouse. Fellow cast members included Laurence Fishburne as Cowboy Curtis and Lynne Stewart (Charlie Kelly's mom on Always Sunny) as Miss Yvonne. It's important to me that you know this.

He also gave voice to TWO of the Top 5 Ancillary Simpsons characters (again, full list revealed when death rides a pale horse) in Lionel Hutz and Troy McClure. If you're a person of a certain age, or I guess just me, "Hi, I'm actor Troy McClure. You may remember me from..." is burned into your very soul.

Post-SNL, he would continue his Simpsons work and go on to steal every scene in NewsRadio, no mean feat for a cast that included Dave Foley, Stephen Root, Maura Tierney, Vicki Lewis, and Khandi Alexander. (I'm not mentioning Andy Dick and Joe Rogan on purpose.)

And then he died. His third wife, Brynn, murdered him in his sleep before taking her own life. There's a whole lot of Hollywood true crime "documentaries" about their relationship if you want to delve further, but honestly the whole thing is just sad as hell.

The reason we're discussing this is that Brynn was from Thief River Falls, the crown jewel of Minnesota's Pennington County. There's a memorial plot for the couple at a local cemetery. Also, because of my home state's "One of Us" complex, this wasn't just a tragedy, it was a tragedy with demonstrable Minnesota ties, however morbid. The local news stories made sure to note it. It was fucked up!

Anyway, his death and the circumstances around it are what comes to mind when I think of the area. Well, that, and the guy with the Hitler fetish who built UND's hockey arena (see the Jagoff Penalty below). It's not entirely fair, but that is how my brain processes this one. Getting to #51 is actually pretty good given those hurdles, Pennington!

NAMED AFTER: It was not named after noodle-armed former New York Jets quarterback Chad Pennington. Despite those arm punts, he was still Randy Moss's favorite QB. Edmund Pennington, a former railroad executive, is its namesake. Boring. They should've named it after the...

LARGEST CITY: Thief River Falls (Population: 8,749). Legitimately great name for a town. Thief River County would be such an upgrade.

DOES IT HAVE A PIZZA RANCH: TRF has one with the optional FunZone upgrade.

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: If I've been to Pennington County I don't remember it. There is someone in my extended social circle from TRF but I am absolutely not going to remember who it is until I hit "SEND" on this newsletter. My apologies to them, they are a very nice person with a wonderful (family/partner/dog/haircut).

JAGOFF PENALTY: Midwest Excellence deducts 25 points from Pennington County for giving us Ralph Engelstad. Live your life so that you don't have a "Hitler birthday parties" section on your Wikipedia page:

The construction millionaire's "last controversial move" was making sure the unpleasant North Dakota Fighting Sioux logo was ingrained all over Ralph Engelstad Arena in Grand Forks, which he built for the University of North Dakota's hockey team. No one reading this needs a reminder that "small-town values" are often a fucking myth, or that rich assholes come from everywhere, but the universe provides.

REDEEMING QUALITIES: I'm sure the majority of their citizens have neither murdered beloved SNL cast members nor collected Luftwaffe artifacts.

CELEBS:

• Gary Paulsen, author of fantastic children's book Hatchet, is from Thief River Falls.
• Barry Darsow, who wrestled under the names Krusher Kruschev and Demolition Smash, is also from TRF.

WEIRD OUTSTATE STATUARY: There are dozens of trolls all over Thief River Falls. I thought you should know.

LETTER GRADE: C

Reader Feedback

Bay Area correspondent Lisa B.D. had some concerns about an element missing from my Mille Lacs County coverage:

I'm a little disappointed that you didn't consult me for a roundup of local scandals or a profile all of the worst politicians to come out of the Mille Lacs/Sherburne/Isanti trifecta, but I understand there's only so much space one can dedicate.

Sherburne is coming in hot. There's a lot to discuss.

Greater Tucson Area correspondent Justin H. also had a gripe:

Love how you leave out Crosier Seminary. And you call yourself an investigative reporter!

I left it out because they're moving to South Phoenix. My brother lives a block and a half away! I'll ask him for updates.