Minnesota Counties, Ranked: Number 74, Jackson County

OVERVIEW: The thing about growing up where I did is that the elite athletes out there were like gods to me. If you were good enough for WCCO to send Ralph Jon Fritz to the hinterlands and see what you could do with a ball in your hand, that was something. It wasn't really aspirational, per se; lord knows I couldn't hit a curveball to save my life. I would swing, miss, pee my pants, my pants would fall down. For some reason everyone I ever knew or know is there, laughing at my shame. That was never going to be a path out of rural Minnesota for me. But it was going to be possible for someone like Wade Wacker.

Wacker was the proverbial coach's kid, a gifted athlete who was good at every sport in Jackson, Minnesota. If there was a state tournament in the mid-'80s, Jackson was in it, and Wacker was the point guard or the starting pitcher. This wasn't just a case of a marginally-talented guy beating up on a bunch of slow farm kids, either; Wacker was drafted by the Twins in the third round of the 1987 MLB Draft.

Injuries torpedoed Wacker's professional aspirations, and honestly that's the last I had thought about him until I started writing this. What's the harm in checking out what he's up to now? It would put a nice little bow on this intro to Jackson County, which doesn't have a lot of other things worth noting.

As always, this is a mistake.

In 2011, Wacker founded a religious non-profit called Reasons for Hope. If you were hoping that would mean helping the poor and feeding the hungry, this is where I encourage you to skip ahead to the Pizza Ranch section. The non-profit's website hosts anti-science and anti-LGBTQ videos and features former child star/ current dipshit Kirk Cameron. I won't link to it because it sucks.

Anyway, Jackson County. You're 74th.

NAMED AFTER: Henry Jackson, St. Paul's first postmaster. If they're naming your county after the postmaster from a city three hours east, you live too far away from nice things and there are probably locusts. Jackson also looked like every male rugby player I've ever met.

LARGEST CITY: Jackson. Population: 3,323.

DOES IT HAVE A PIZZA RANCH: You'd be correct for doubting it, but Jackson has a Pizza Ranch!

PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Driving faster to get through it.

REDEEMING QUALITIES: Best I've got is that Bonnie & Clyde allegedly robbed the Okabena bank in 1933. I'm not endorsing bank robbery, I just liked the movie and Luna's cover of the Serge Gainsbourg/Brigitte Bardot song.

CELEBS: Megadeth bassist Dave Ellefson is from Jackson. His Wikipedia page is a journey, friends. Settle in and read if you so choose. Trigger warnings for substance abuse, revenge porn, and Dave Mustaine.

WEIRD OUTSTATE STATUARY: Jackson County is bereft of statuary. There's an old-timey settler's village, but that's not the same. Consider a ball of twine if you want some fuckin' pub from Midwest Excellence, sirs or madams.

LETTER GRADE: D

READER FEEDBACK

Benton County is a rich tapestry of weird central Minnesota things. Story time with Andy begins now:

College roommate's dad is from Gilman. When his parents got married they had to cut their (weekend) honeymoon short because his dad was too homesick. They were in Duluth. Upon return, he hopped out of the car and kissed the ground in the Gilman municipal liquor store parking lot and vowed never to leave again.

Andy again:

One of the local watering holes at one time held a special where they aired Price Is Right daily, and if any of the contestants spun $1.00 on the wheel the patrons all received discounted drinks. Price is Right airs at 10am. The discount is still honored for re-runs. One time, college roommate's dad was working in the garage. His gal yells out "It's the lady from Indiana!" while watching Price Is Right from home and he dropped everything to get to the bar because it was a re-run that contained a $1.00 spin. He hurries to the bar, but is peeved that others beat him there for a good spot but makes it in time for the spin.

The discount offered for this special: $2.50 you-call-its for 1 hour.

The last time I drank during TPIR was with Karl Hanson (hey Karl!) in 1992 for reasons lost to the cruel passage of time.

Patrick:

Little known fact: Bridget Jones Nelson was co-leader of a youth group at our SW Mpls Catholic church with my wife and me. Tom Servo never visited.

Dave:

Not a whisper about WHMH? Hot Rockin' WHMH?

WHMH is Rockin' 101, the Red House that Rocks. There's a world where Nirvana, rap, and boy bands never break through. Hair metal continues as the predominant strain of music for the youths, along with nu metal and butt rock. WHMH exists there. Do you want to hear Warrant? Deep cuts, not just the hits. How about Dangerous Toys? Perhaps E'nuff Z'nuff? Did you know Godsmack had this many songs? Do you know what Ice Nine Kills even is, bro?

Rockin' 101 is by and for older brothers named Kevin who have a sweet fuckin' Trans Am, and I am glad it exists as a reminder of The Old Ways. Take it away, BulletBoys:

See you tomorrow!