Read & React
Some headlines piqued my interest the last few days. None of them alone were enough for a full newsletter column, but together? Together they combined to fill the gaping content maw that is Wednesday, June 3rd.
ITEM! Operation Metro Surge: Still Unbelievably Shitty, Now with Numbers
I don't think I'm breaking news to anyone reading this that the government invasion of Minnesota was bad. I'm mostly bringing this new study from Northstar Policy Action up because it's the reason this thing landed in your inbox this morning: An estimated 4600 jobs were lost in the state's hospitality and leisure industry. Mine was one of them, with a little helping hand from this turtle-looking motherfucker.
To put that kind of number in perspective, if a city attracts an employer that promises to hire 4600 people, local politicians will fight each other to the death to get in front of the news cameras to take the credit and put a ceremonial shovel in the dirt for the new Diet Zyn factory.
As I've mentioned before, I'm thrilled at the response to this newsletter and grateful to every subscriber. I'm having so much fun doing this. Still, I'd have preferred to make this career change on my own terms, knowing full well how lucky I am in comparison to so many of the other 4599.
Chinga la migra.
ITEM! Vikings Hire New General Manager
I don't know a damn thing about Nolan Teasley, who the local professional football outlet hired as their GM (gift link) after a decade+ with the Seattle Seahawks. The Seahawks won two Super Bowls during Teasley's time there. As my friends in Wisconsin will be happy to remind you, that is two more titles than Minnesota has won in that time. Or since 1961. Whatever is more hurtful.
Given that lack of knowledge, I will once again choose cautious optimism and a reinvigorated Kyler Murray as training camp edges ever closer.
Speaking of Minnesota losing streaks...
ITEM! Local Political Party Wonders Why It Can't Win a Statewide Election, Holds Moment of Silence for Convicted Murderer
Anyone remember Tim Pawlenty? Genial, dorky, SSP hockey dad? Two-term Minnesota Governor? Presidential candidate for about 30 minutes?
He's the last Minnesota Republican to win a statewide election. That was in 2006. If you're good at math, that's twenty years ago! Even in the reddest of red states or bluest of blue, a random minority party candidate occasionally breaks through and becomes Auditor. Not here.
In their attempt to win back the hearts and minds of Minnesota voters, Republicans held their convention last weekend and did a couple things to ensure that won't happen:
- Endorsed Adam Schwarze for U.S. Senate. Schwarze questions the use of birth control, as it makes women more attracted to beta "effeminate girlie boys" than to alpha male bodybuilders.
- Held a moment of silence for convicted murderer Derek Chauvin, who is still alive and, perhaps more critically, still a convicted murderer.
Anyway, if you were secret agent trying to sabotage the opposition party's chances in a coming election, these are the kinds of things you'd do. The Minnesota GOP appears to be doing this willingly. I wish them continued zero success.
ITEM! Cheap, Weird Movies Are Making a Gazillion Dollars
The two most popular movies in the country right now are Obsession and Backrooms. Neither of them have a baby Yoda. Neither of them have a Spider-Man.
Instead, they're relatively inexpensive movies without big stars--apologies to all the Renate Reinsve fanboys in the subscriber base–and they have kindergarten-simple plots that have powered horror movies and television for 75 years: Careful what you wish for (Obsession) and don't go down to the basement (Backrooms).
I don't give a shit about box office numbers, but I've read enough about executives flipping out about What This Means for Hollywood to know that it's probably good? Throw money at cheap, spooky, artsy shit rather than rebooting Lethal Weapon for the sixth time. Steven Spielberg's first movie was about a killer truck driver! There are still people who think The Blair Witch Project really happened!
As an AMC Stubs member in good standing, I should probably go see if they're any good. Feel free to post your reviews in the comments, and I'll see you Thursday.
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