Scottsdale, Reviewed

First of all, there's just so much of it.

If you're a dumdum like me, you hear Scottsdale and think, "OK, suburb of Phoenix, cool, there's a main drag with bars and restaurants, a spot by the interstate where the Safeway and the mall are, and a couple parks."

Then you realize there's a quarter-million people in Scottsdale alone, and it goes on forever, north to south. Maplewood, you're not special, no matter what 3M says.

We stayed a couple blocks off Shea Boulevard, near the border with Fountain Hills. Here are my observations:

*There's this phenomenon called Mar-a-Lago Face, wherein conservative American women get so much plastic surgery they look like a Batman villain. Mandy and I noticed an adjacent look here--blonde approaching platinum/ivory, a bomber jacket tan they share with their partner, and a general air of "I quit marrying for love two husbands back and I don't tip."

*More Cyber Trucks than I care for. One of them had a desert southwest theme (mesas, cacti, etc.) and it was as unfortunate as you think it is.

*The neighborhood we stayed in has javelinas. If you are not prepared to see one on your morning walk, it will mess you up immediately:

*That said, I prefer them to the baby scorpions. This is the desert, nature lets you know you're just visiting, even if there are 241,000 of you.

*If you're coming down for spring training and aren't beholden to a specific team, stay in Tempe, which gives you access to the most teams without too much travel.

*We were only a couple miles from Frank Lloyd Wright's Taliesin West. I'm sure it's great, but a shrine to another American classic was even closer:

I removed my hat and took a knee.

*The nearby Fountain Hills is an International Dark Sky Community, which means no streetlights, little light pollution, and a whole bunch of stars in the night. It's cool! There's also the largest still-operating fountain in America, but you probably guessed that by the name.

*Everyone here is from somewhere else, and many are from where I'm from. The guy at the Liquor Vault was from Wisconsin. The server at Dominic's Steakhouse was from Park Rapids. The neighborhood we stayed in has several Iron Rangers. I didn't confirm it, but a patron at Wren House Brewing in Phoenix let loose an "Oh cripes" that had rich Wausau or Rhinelander undertones with a whiff of Solon Springs.

*This is where your grandparents live. They miss you.

*If you're visiting from the Upper Midwest, or I guess anywhere that occasionally has humidity, however much lotion you think your skin will need, multiply it by five.

*On a related note, I try not to think about how many people live there, how dry it is, how much water is used, where it's sourced from, and how sustainable that whole project is. It's already hitting 90 here. Vacationers loved it, the residents are already dreading summer.

*Beer dorks, here are some standouts from my visit: Pantera (Czech Dark Lager, Pinnacle Brewing), Ovest (Italian Pils, Wren House), Crispy (Blonde Lager, The Shop Beer Co.), Tower Station (IPA, Mother Road).

I enjoyed my time there, and I especially enjoyed missing the surprise snow storm that I'm assuming made Belinda Jensen retire.

See you tomorrow for another bad Minnesota county.