Sponsored By Draft Kings

I get it now.

As I lazed by the pool in Scottsdale, I remembered that you could bet money on sports here. On your telephone. It's so easy!

When I was a youthful sports wagerer, you either had to fly to Las Vegas with a few other degenerates or meet someone in the parking lot of Bogey's in Mendota Heights to settle up after your Hartford Whalers teaser flamed out. Now, in certain states, you download an app, deposit some cash, and go to work on losing it immediately without the glamour of The Strip or the retro charm of giving an envelope of cash to a man named Lenny who always wears beige sweats.

Fortunately, or unfortunately, I didn't. I "knew" the Gophers would cover a 23-point spread at Michigan and hit the under, and I "knew" Jaden McDaniels would go off in a Timberwolves victory of less than 7 against Portland. Now I had $275 to play with off an initial investment of $20.

And Draft Kings let me know it.

Promotional emails for bonus bets. 30% profit boosts on all parlays. It's 7am, there's a golf tournament in Taiwan. Via email. Via text. Via the ESPN app. The best way to describe the flood of offers comes from Tim & Eric:

I took advantage of all of them. I hit on NONE OF THEM. You may think Nikola Jokic scores 30 in every game he's ever played in, but not when a 4-leg parlay worth $425 is at stake, he doesn't. Lu Dort still shouldn't have hip checked him, though.

After that humbling 48-hour lesson, I stuck to what I "knew"– the Gophers would beat UCLA because Mick Cronin is an asshole, the Wolves are better than the injured Clippers, and the Knicks shouldn't be home underdogs to the Spurs. Cashed out at $150 this morning and took the app off my phone.

But it would have been so easy not to.

The emails are still rushing in like water through a failing dam. Every internet ad that isn't for an AI scam is for a gambling website. It's seductive. They want me back and they'll do anything, anything to turn me on. This popped up in my inbox right before I hit publish:

As strange as it sounds, it's for the best that I'm jobless. It would be unwise for the current family budget to make a bunch of bets with non-house money on table tennis or the Bundesliga. Cue up Albert Brooks in Lost in America:

And I'm leaving town tonight for a state where this is still illegal. If you live in Minnesota, you know this is a whole thing.

Smart people I know say it should be legal. We have casinos in every corner of the state. Vices like booze, cigs, and reefer are legal and regulated, providing needed tax revenue. There are pull tabs in every bar, your mom plays number boards on Super Bowl Sunday, and the fellas are already planning this year's fantasy football draft party.

Smart people I know say it should never be legal. It's hard not to consider the deep financial trouble that could ensue from having your checking account hardwired to a button on your phone that lets you bet on the game in front of you. After all, the Wild are due to beat the Avalanche this time. And what's another $20, right? I almost won big last time.

They're both correct.

I would have considered myself in the "legalize it" camp before this week. But honestly, I'm not so sure anymore. Maybe you should have to drive three hours to an overfull casino in Left Kidney, Iowa. Maybe it should involve calling Bertie on his landline. Because this? The thing on my phone? It's so easy.

I get it now.