The Deer Carcasses of Wisconsin and Other Road Trip Observations

I did a lot of driving this weekend (Chicago Friday, eastern Wisconsin Saturday, back home Sunday). Here's what I saw.

CARNAGE: Wisconsin, my brothers in the Big Ten and NFC North, you have more deer corpses on the side of your roads than I previously thought possible. More frequent than mile marker signs. I know overtime and weekend hours are expensive, but consider getting a couple crews out there with giant spatulas and pressure washers or whatever it is they use to clean up the scene. Just for aesthetic reasons alone. Or I guess just invite RFK Jr. to Black River Falls so he can load up his trunk with flavorful venison.

ROSSI'S: Mandy and Pip had tickets to the long sold out Rilo Kiley show at the Chicago Theater. My job was to entertain myself while they were at the concert. Fortunately, Rossi's is a mere five blocks away from the venue and is arguably the best dive bar in the country.

I say arguably because of its River North neighborhood. It is surrounded by skyscrapers and hotels and upscale restaurants and bro bars. A cash-only bar with a bathroom situation one can only describe as "challenging" sticks out like a sore thumb. That might make all the difference. Could be the "CHEER UP, FUCKFACE" sign, too.

I was fortunate enough to snag a bar spot on a busy Friday night. The Cubs were losing on one TV and The Fugitive (of all movies) was on the other. Proof:

If this was in a script, the studio would have sent a note back saying it was too on the nose. Only complaint: Desiree, the legendary Rossi's bartender and GM, wasn't working.

HAMPTON INN BREAKFAST BAR: Downtown Chicago hotels were all booked or well over $500 for a one-night stay, so we opted to stay out by O'Hare and take the Blue Line into the city. And with that choice came one of my favorite things: free breakfast at The Hampton Inn.

It's not what you would call "good" by any stretch of the imagination. But it fills the arguably more important role of "necessary." You're in town for 18 hours, you are subsisting on c-store jerky, bland coffee, and Frito's, and you simply need a hot meal with a generally agreed-upon food-like appearance. The Hampton Inn has you covered, friend.

The scrambled eggs were recognizably eggs. The sausage patties were from the Jimmy Dean family of breakfast proteins. The potatoes were cooked through. As is always the case, 10-year-old boys were hogging the waffle maker (two flavors!), which is their right as American children. The coffee was hot, the orange juice was cold, the oatmeal lumpy as hell. I've had the same Hampton Inn breakfast experience across the Upper Midwest. I'm grateful for it.

ELKHART LAKE/THE BROWN BAER: My fellow Hector native Jordan lives out in eastern Wisconsin, and his youngest child was graduating this weekend. (Congrats, Magnus!) We stopped in for the grad party on our way home. It also gave us the chance to experience The Brown Baer again.

(That's not a typo, for the record.)

The Brown Baer is a bar/restaurant in the resort city of Elkhart Lake. It is not the only one; indeed, this is the part of Wisconsin where every 4-way stop has a bar, often attached to someone's house, probably called The Welcome Inn or some bullshit. However, the Baer stands out because it has a dialed-in beer menu and a scratch kitchen that my restaurant critic friend confirms is legit. Best smoked chicken wings I've ever had, for those who keep track of such things (Hi, Dana!).

It's also located next to Road America, a race track that services sports cars, motor bikes, and other incredibly loud, fast things. Meaning that, in addition to all the Chicago people for whom Elkhart Lake functions as Brainerd does to the Twin Cities, you'll also run across families decked out in full Monster Energy Drinks race gear eating artichoke dip. I am unaccustomed to this.

GAS PRICES: They're still extremely high, which you will notice if you drive from St. Paul to Chicago to Elkhart Lake and back to St. Paul! The only down note on an otherwise fantastic weekend.

I'm glad to be back and ready to talk about how much we needed this rain with my fellow Dads. See you tomorrow!