The Once and Future King

The late Larry King wrote an occasional column in the USA Today newspaper. Actually, “column” is generous–it was just a string of musings that had no real through line. “They say you can’t go home again, but have they ever been to Lansing, Michigan? Wonderful town…My Grammy favorite this year and every year is the delightful Toni Tennille.” No, really, that’s what it was! The Onion’s 1997 satire is barely even satire.

My friend Ross suggested I do my version of the same because, well, it’s my newsletter and no one else would publish it. Since it’s still free, you’re getting exactly what you paid for. Enjoy/I’m sorry.

The next John Wick movie should just be about the switchboard operators, I bet they make decent money…I’m just going to say it: My shoes are on the wrong foot again…Is there anything better than a piping hot bowl of soup? How about if I throw it at your face, buster…My friend Phil Spector gets a bad rap for all the murders, but if you ever needed $20, he’d point a gun at his money clip and say, “I’ll count to five, hombre," what a rush...My knee hurts when it’s cold.

Shirtless at Arby's again…The piranha is a vicious killer but I’m proud to call him my water brother…John Fogerty once told me his favorite red bandana wrote “Proud Mary” and that son of a bitch was right…My second marriage to Olivia Newton-John was a mistake. It turns out that wasn’t her…They took the aluminum out of deodorant, now I’m taking aluminum supplements to get my daily aluminum. Progress?   

Angie Dickinson. There’s a face you could set a watch by, if only she didn’t reject the notion of linear time during our brief, torrid romance…Dogs talk about us when we’re not in the room…Cotton Eye Joe is the best damn friend in this world if you need to get rid of a body…The only good wi-fi in this two-bit town is at the mall food court and I am only leaving this Panda Express in a pine box, officer.

I was born in an outhouse…The Irish are a noble, difficult people…They call the Academy Awards Hollywood’s night to shine but if you eat enough glitter glue that shine never goes away…The only furniture in my living room is a dunk tank full of Diet Pepsi, but not the kind you drink…Not to get political, but Al Haig could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.

Scooby Doo was a goddamn prick…Before he left this mortal coil, Fuzzy Zoeller told me never forgave John Lennon for stealing Yoko from him…The walls, the walls, the walls are closing in…I’ve been banned from every Ben Franklin store in America since 1987…The weatherman is looking at me...You look up "talent" in the dictionary, you see a picture of my friend Gary. You don't know him. It's confusing.

Lefthanded people don’t go to heaven…You can put a candy bar in your wallet or a badger in your purse, but not both…Back in my younger days, Santa Claus was just another guy who sold you cigarettes and rubbers for a good price, people change and not always for the better…The haunches on Phil Simms are majestic…If you ever meet a trumpet player, you tell him “This one’s for Larry King” as you land the finishing blow.

Charlie Daniels once said to me “Larry, there was never a fiddle contest with the devil. I made it up, all of it” and then he stole my frisbees…If I shake this cop it’s just you and me and a new life in Mexico, Janet…I don’t think it’s supposed to make that kind of noise…You heard it here first: The next Winter Olympics will be on the moon. So many unnecessary deaths.

Since multiple people have asked: Yes, you'll be able to pay for this soon, even if the above likely discouraged you. Figure it'll run free through this week and I'll roll the subscription model out early next week.

See you tomorrow.